jmatt
01-31-2002, 02:11 PM
1.) The Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Rub a half-melted candy bar into the carpet.
Fill a standard drinking glass exactly full with cherry Kool-Aid and dump it in the middle of your bed.
Now go outside and rub your hands in a wet flower bed, go back inside, and wipe them off on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. Squirt with ketchup.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Unroll an entire roll of toilet paper. Stuff it in the toilet and flush. Twice.
Buy a McDonald's cheeseburger "Happy Meal" and and ice cream cone. Open up the 'burger and smear it all over the back seat of your car, stick the part of the bun with the cheese to the roof. Scatter the fries all over the inside of the car, and dump the entire drink and ice cream on the seat and carpet. Roll up the windows and allow to sit out in the sun for at least four hours.
2.) The Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon drum of Legos (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (This could wake a child at night.)
3.) The Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats or hyperactive dogs are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
You must always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
4.) Restaurant Test:
Borrow a monkey. Before leaving home, feed it two candy bars, six cups of coffee, and a can of "Jolt" soda.
Take it to a nice restaurant.
Make it sit quietly for at least 30 minutes in the waiting area and at least an hour at the table.
At the table, it must be given four crayons, a glass of water, a basket of chips and/or a small loaf of bread, salt and pepper shakers, a pen or pencil, a pad of paper, 37 sugar and/or sweetener packets, three or four straws, a grilled cheese sandwich (with fries), eight napkins and a glass of milk or tea to do as it pleases with for this entire time. People at neighboring tables must NOT become bothered or annoyed at any time.
5.) The Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
If it squirts any ink, you must go get a new bag and start over,
6.) The Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill one-fourth with grape juice, one-half with sour milk, and add about 1/3 cup of oatmeal. Shake well and allow to sit 15 minutes.
Suspend jug from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane or train.
Now dump the contents of the jug on yourself, the wall, the ceiling, and the floor.
7.) The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard until midnight.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 1:00 AM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard again, then make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Go back to bed.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM.
Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years.
You must look cheerful at all times, always be pleasant to your spouse, and maintain good relationships with your family, friends and co-workers, who are required to supply all manner of suggestions on how to raise you child, every one of them contradictory to each other.
8.) The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months.
Now remove 10 of the beans.
Every third time you eat, induce vomiting at some random time within 30-45 minutes of eating, regardless of where you are (in the car, at a movie, in the bathroom, in bed). Immediately start crying.
9.) The Physical Test (Men):
Clean up the final Physical Test (Women) without complaining.
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter, and ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Do the same.
Go to your office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to those stores.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly. This will be the last time you will get to do this for at least 18 years.
10.) The Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience, it will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Rub a half-melted candy bar into the carpet.
Fill a standard drinking glass exactly full with cherry Kool-Aid and dump it in the middle of your bed.
Now go outside and rub your hands in a wet flower bed, go back inside, and wipe them off on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. Squirt with ketchup.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Unroll an entire roll of toilet paper. Stuff it in the toilet and flush. Twice.
Buy a McDonald's cheeseburger "Happy Meal" and and ice cream cone. Open up the 'burger and smear it all over the back seat of your car, stick the part of the bun with the cheese to the roof. Scatter the fries all over the inside of the car, and dump the entire drink and ice cream on the seat and carpet. Roll up the windows and allow to sit out in the sun for at least four hours.
2.) The Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon drum of Legos (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (This could wake a child at night.)
3.) The Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats or hyperactive dogs are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
You must always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
4.) Restaurant Test:
Borrow a monkey. Before leaving home, feed it two candy bars, six cups of coffee, and a can of "Jolt" soda.
Take it to a nice restaurant.
Make it sit quietly for at least 30 minutes in the waiting area and at least an hour at the table.
At the table, it must be given four crayons, a glass of water, a basket of chips and/or a small loaf of bread, salt and pepper shakers, a pen or pencil, a pad of paper, 37 sugar and/or sweetener packets, three or four straws, a grilled cheese sandwich (with fries), eight napkins and a glass of milk or tea to do as it pleases with for this entire time. People at neighboring tables must NOT become bothered or annoyed at any time.
5.) The Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
If it squirts any ink, you must go get a new bag and start over,
6.) The Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill one-fourth with grape juice, one-half with sour milk, and add about 1/3 cup of oatmeal. Shake well and allow to sit 15 minutes.
Suspend jug from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane or train.
Now dump the contents of the jug on yourself, the wall, the ceiling, and the floor.
7.) The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard until midnight.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 1:00 AM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard again, then make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Go back to bed.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM.
Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years.
You must look cheerful at all times, always be pleasant to your spouse, and maintain good relationships with your family, friends and co-workers, who are required to supply all manner of suggestions on how to raise you child, every one of them contradictory to each other.
8.) The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months.
Now remove 10 of the beans.
Every third time you eat, induce vomiting at some random time within 30-45 minutes of eating, regardless of where you are (in the car, at a movie, in the bathroom, in bed). Immediately start crying.
9.) The Physical Test (Men):
Clean up the final Physical Test (Women) without complaining.
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter, and ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Do the same.
Go to your office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to those stores.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly. This will be the last time you will get to do this for at least 18 years.
10.) The Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience, it will be the last time you will have all the answers.